you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
