you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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