You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
