just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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