On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
