I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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