Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
