its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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