I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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