You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
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How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize