i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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