I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
