the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
