omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
