the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
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Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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