Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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