why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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