as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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