Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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