SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
