we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
