I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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