Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
