I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
