Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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