I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
