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im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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