They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
