That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
