Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
