drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
