Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
