I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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