I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
