I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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