i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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