Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
