My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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