He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
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The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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