A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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