oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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