do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
