The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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