Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
