I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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