I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
thus making me awesome and them whores
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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