I am midnight drunk by noon
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
