i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I fill condoms, not promises.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
