I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
