I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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