Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
