My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
