In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
