my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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