dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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